Sharon & Karen's Human Sense of Humour

Sharon and Karen were reading something and laughing their heads off while looking at me...Oh dear. I do hate being teased... Karen read out to me what they were laughing at. I don't get it at all!

It goes like this:
"Dear Dogs,
-When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions and still be in my way.

-The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

-The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

-I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep with legs sticking out. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

-For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine is not mandatory.

-The proper order is kiss me, then go smell/lick your ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

-I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you.

-Also, I do NOT need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!

If you do all these for me, I will post this following message on our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results."

*Sigh*....Humans DO have a very weird sense of humour....oh dear, now Jules has joined them and they are now rolling over the floor and laughing at ME! :-(